Friday, May 11, 2007

The Mailman from Hell

My first anonymous blog entry is nothing more than my morning thus far. I know this would normally be a boring subject; however I am inflicted with the unbearable disease called “EventmousStrangous’ which riddles my life with oddness and strange inexplicable events.
I am a pretty much normal person otherwise, except for my one super hero ability of seeing through clear plastic. It’s a burden being different, but I was gifted with the ability and will try to use it for good and not evil, often.

I woke today, again, and readied for my daily jaunt to Tim Horton’s Coffee shop. I love coffee, it’s a daily trip and routine I hope to never break. I would marry coffee if I could, sure sex may be messy and sure if I jumped it the paper cup would bust and make a horrible stain in the bed, but still, I would marry coffee if I could.

As I stepped out of my house this morning I came across the mailman.
“Hi Mailman who’s name I don’t know” I smiled, and he handed me some envelopes.
“Hello person who lives here” he answered and started off on his way to continue his letter carrier adventures.
I looked at the mail casually, noticing that one letter was not mine.
“Hold up!” I shouted and ran towards the mailman, “This letter isn’t mine!” (Insert suspenseful Doo doo dooo music here)
“It has your address on it” he pointed out abruptly, “So it’s your mail.”
“Do I LOOK like a Betty?” I pointed to the addressee name.

He did not answer, but simply stared at me as if to think ‘Ya you do look like a Betty you pansy bastard’.
“What did you just think?” I screamed as I took my handy dandy 2x4 out from my pocket and commenced beating it over the mailman’s head.
“Carry This!” I screamed pounding the mailman within inches of not living, “Return THIS to sender you Bastard!”

The police drove by slowly, I smiled at the police cruiser as I casually continued to beat the mailman who was now lying in a blood puddle on the street.
“Hep” the mailman muttered, so I wacked him again… casually.

The police decided to stop and intervene, and after questioning the mangled postman they walked towards me with a horrid stare, like I had done something wrong?
I explained the situation and showed them the letter for Betty… and so the policeman shot the mailman dead.
“Well you have a good day then” I said to the officers.
“You too Sir” the officer replied, “And could you clean up this mess?” the officer asked pointing to the dead mailman.
“Soon as I get my coffee!” I said and drove off.

So the coffee was good, and by the time I got home the street sweeper came by, so I avoided a clean up! Yeahhh me!

Alright that’s that. Have a good day.

1 comment:

One Wacky Mom said...

this was too funny. I've wanted to wack those mail men a few times myself. Do I looking from freaking fred?