Gawd I hate mornings.

Its 10am, and I have come to one very profound and uplifting notion about life, it sucks when you first wake up. I’m sure whatever we do the rest of the day is unimportant, I’ll bet you that (insert preferred God figure here) is up there for one reason only, to laugh hysterically at how stupid we are in the morning. You can sin all afternoon if you like because by then there is nothing worth watching and the God or Gods have already tee’d off for a day of cloud golf. That must be it, that’s why we are here, exist, to be entertaining as we struggle to consciousness after a sound sleep. Imagine if you we woke and had to make life and death decisions, we’d be screwed.
“Dale wake up! The house is under attack by Huns and the cook can’t decide what to make for breakfast!”
I would bat my eyes and with a cockeyed stare answer, “Do I have pillow face? I think I swallowed my teddy.”
The Huns would attack killing us all and breakfast would never get made.
Yes its true, I suffer from Morningstupiditous.

Prime examples of this would be my shower, I entered the shower and then, once in the shower noticed there was no more soap. I hate that so much, if you get out you’ll drip all over the house getting the soap. You could towel off, but then if you do that you will have a damp towel after you actually shower. I don’t like that, my towel has to be dry, puffy and smell like fresh air, even though I don’t think that fresh air is a scent, but somehow the detergent company has seen fit to make a soapy smell - fresh air smell. I will accept other scents as well, so long as its one of those ‘Just washed’ smells such as Bounce fabric softener smell. I guess the soap manufacturers have no choice but to name their products things like ‘Spring Fresh’ and ‘Fresh air” as naming them more realistic names such as “City Haze” or “wet Dog” may not help sales.
“Wow Stanley! You smell JUST like wet dog!”
“Yes thanks, its my new fabric softener. Tide with Real wet Dog.”

Where was I? Oh yes the bar of soap thingy. So there you are, all wet and soapless, do you leave the shower to hunt down the soap that you bought and forgot where you put it? No, I did the back up plan, I used shampoo as soap. Now my whole body smells like fruit.
That’s another thing, shampoo smells seem to be taking on many food scents. Why is this? Seriously, who wants to make their hair smell like fruit? No wonder there are so many hikers getting killed by animals, I can just imagine what the bears are saying:
“Hey Sid, here comes a human.”
“Ya, I smell fruit, but I don’t see any.”
“Maybe that thing on top of its shoulders is a melon?”
“Let’s go eat him and find out.”

And even with this, they create scents like Kiwi, Strawberry and sunflowers and stuff like that, do they NOT think that birds will swoop down and start picking at our skulls once outside? Or is that the plan? Are shampoo companies run by terrorists who have a plan for animals to gnaw at our heads.
“That’s right you stupid infidels, wash your hair mwahahaha!”

Coffee is another morning issue, I hate making coffee in the morning, no wonder coffee shops do so well, because I’m not alone in this, no one can manage a coffee machine in the morning! There you are, brain dead and barely breathing and you have to fill a container with water then scoop ground coffee into a cup 3inches in diameter. Not only that but you have to calculate the correct amount of coffee per water volume. MATH in the morning? Oh Pleaaaassseeee! May as well have me defuse a nuclear weapon while I’m at it. And tell me, WHO can actually make coffee in the morning WITHOUT spilling ground coffee all over the counter? Huh who? It’s impossible! There is a special gravitational pull as the planet rotates through the morning making coffee grinds and countertops attract like magnets. But the absolute worst is when I brew a pot of coffee, then anxiously enter the kitchen for my first cup only to discover that I forgot to put the coffee in. Yum, a fresh pot of hot water! What am I? British? I DON’T drink tea in the morning! What the hell was I doing?

Okay I had better get going, I need to get dressed again, I accidentally put on the drapes this morning.